Going Back
by TheGreyLadyy
Summary: '"You know bloody well that as long as she's with me, she's in danger. And if keeping her away is going to keep her safe-" "Who the hell is safe anymore? I'm sorry to break it to you, mate, but we're in the middle of a bloody war. Nobody's safe. Not me, not you, not even Lily-even if you already broke all ties with her!"' One-shot.


**A/N:**_ Just a little something I came up with, since I can't sleep. It's not my usual 'Oh, Merlin, that's so sweet' type of story, so I'm not sure how I feel about it..oh well. _

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not, nor will I ever, own Harry Potter or any part of it. Unless I can somehow trick Rowling into giving me the rights to HP and somehow, I don't see that happening._

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**Going Back **

_Arsehole_.

It seems that everywhere James Potter goes, that word is sure to follow after him. Everyone's saying it; some mutter it under their breaths, some are more than happy to tell it flat out to his face and neither of them are very nice about it.

He walks through the halls of the Order's headquarters, trying to avoid the looks of pure loathing half of them are giving him. It's weird how people seem to be going out of their way to avoid him when only weeks before he had gotten along with them just fine.

James sighs as he rubs a hand over his tired face, bumping into Hestia, one of _her_ best friends, in the process.

"Arsehole," she says, not bothering to keep her voice down as she pushes past him.

And then she's gone, leaving behind the tangy scent of her perfume. James sighs again as he passes a hand through his hair, before making his way outside, where he knows he can be in peace. He can feel the angry glares from his fellow companions burning in the back of his skull, but he ignores them, too tired to care.

It has only been two weeks since he left her and yet people seem unrelenting. It's like they think that he's actually enjoying being away from her. It isn't like he actually wanted to leave Lily or like he isn't completely miserable without her. He loves her, of that he is sure. And it is because of that that he had to leave. To protect her. Everyone seems to conveniently forget that part.

He plops down on the grass and lays down, closing his eyes against the summer sun. He hasn't been there long before he hears the unmistakable sound of footsteps, meaning that someone is approaching him. He remains motionless as he hears them take a seat next to him, keeping his eyes closed.

"Prongs." He knows that voice, knows exactly who it belongs to. He just doesn't want to listen to it yet. So he ignores it, pretending as if he hasn't heard them.

"James." A new voice. One he has no intention of listening to, either.

He hears Remus give out a frustrated sigh. James feels someone shift next to him and for a minute, he thinks they just might leave him alone.

"Leave it be, Sirius. He obviously doesn't want to listen to us."

"I don't care. Now listen here, James. You're being a right arsehole, you hear me?"

"Yeah, I've been told," says James, trying to sound disinterested.

"Why'd you do it?"

"You know bloody well why I did it," says James, suddenly angry as he opens his eyes. He sits up and turns around, glaring at his two best friends. "She's in danger as long as she's with me. You heard Bellatrix. She'll be next. They already took my parents. I don't want to lose her too." He closes his eyes as if the possibility of that happening is too horrible to even begin to contemplate. "I can't—I _won't_ let that happen."

"Is that really what you want?"

"Of course it's not what I want! I want _her_."

"So it's not making you happy? Because it sure as hell doesn't make her happy, either."

The question catches James off-guard and he hesitates for a moment, before responding. "I'm happy as long as she's not in danger," he says in a monotone voice.

"Really? You're happy? Because from what I've seen, you spend half your time moping around and the other half snapping at anyone who, Merlin forbids, happens to be looking her way."

"You don't get it, Moony—"

"No, here's what we don't get," says Sirius, cutting him off. "You love her. She loves you. What the hell do you care what anyone else thinks?"

"That's rich, coming from the person who broke up with his girlfriend just because his brother is a bloody Death Eater," says James. As soon as the words escape his mouth, he knows he has gone too far. But by this point, he's too angry to care.

Sirius glares at him and for a moment, James thinks he's about to punch him-something he knows he deserves.

"That was completely different," Sirius hisses vehemently as he rises off the ground, towering over him. "And it's not like I didn't go back to her. I'm not a coward. Unlike you."

James' jaw clenches and his fists curl into a ball as he too stands up, but he makes no further move. Sirius is just telling the truth; he's being a coward and he knows it.

"Our situations aren't at all different," says James, through clenched teeth. "You know bloody well that as long as she's with me, she's in danger. And if keeping her away is going to keep her safe-"

"Who the hell is safe anymore? I'm sorry to break it to you, mate, but we're in the middle of a bloody _war_. Nobody's safe. Not me, not you, not even Lily-even if you already broke all ties with her! You're just hurting yourself and you're hurting her in the process. Have you seen her lately? I mean, _really_ seen her? She's a mess, Prongs. A bloody mess. She's miserable-even more so than you because she thinks you don't love her."

"How the hell can she even think that?" James runs a frustrated hand through his hair as he paces around the grass. "How can I not love her, when all I'm doing is for her? That's—that's—"

"Something you should tell her."

James turns to stare at them before turning around and running down the hill the Headquarters stands on, trying to find a place to Disapparate from, before he loses his resolve. He doesn't stop to apologise as he bumps into a group of arriving Order members, nor does he stop to listen to the insults they're calling out after him. He breaks out into a sprint as soon as he approaches the place where the wards are lifted, before Disapparating with a loud crack to the flat he and Lily used to share.

He stands outside of her door, _their_ door, staring stupidly at it. He hears muffled voices from inside and he takes a deep breath, channelling all his Gryffindor courage, before knocking on the door.

He holds his breath as he hears the sound of footsteps from coming from inside, before the door is swung open, and finds himself staring into a pair of green eyes. Lily is standing in front of him open-mouthed and her eyes wide, evidently shocked at finding James Potter standing in front of _her_. She looks so frail and worn-down that James instantly regrets what he has done to her.

There are massive dark circles under her eyes and he knows that she hasn't been sleeping, either. Her eyes are red and puffy, almost as she if she has cried herself dry and her hair is a wild, tangled, mess of red curls. She's wearing a tank top-one that he has seen her in many times. While it had usually clung to her body, it now hangs loosely around her, as do the pair of worn-out boxer shorts she is wearing.

He steps inside, not waiting to be invited into his _own_ home.

"Lily, who is—oh. What do you want, Potter?" asks Marlene, glaring angrily at him.

He can see Mary beside her, looking equally angry as she scrutinizes him under her gaze. Before he can open his mouth to speak, Mary has already grabbed Marlene by the hand and is dragging her out of the flat.

"I think we should give them some privacy," she says, giving her a pointed-look as Marlene starts to protest. "You better not hurt her anymore or you'll regret it," she hisses under her breath, loud enough for only James to hear, before Disapparating with a soft 'pop'.

James turns to Lily, who has not said a single word, eyeing her warily. He raises a hand to his neck and rubs it hesitantly as he opens his mouth to speak, but he is cut off again, this time by Lily.

With as much force as she can muster, Lily raises her hand and, before James can even react, she slaps him across the face, hard, hoping that it hurts him as much as he has hurt _her_.

He staggers back in surprise and she glares at him, her lips pursed in a thin line and her eyes are cold and unforgiving. James sighs, ignoring the stinging sensation in his right cheek; he deserves that and more.

"What do you want, Potter?" hisses Lily, her voice barely more than a whisper, but venomous all the same.

"I—I'm sorry," he says quietly.

"You're sorry?" she says coldly. "That's all you're going to say? That you're sorry? Sorry to burst your bubble, _Potter_, but sorry doesn't cut it. I don't want any of your bloody apologies."

"Well, what am I supposed to say, Lily?" says James, clearly frustrated.

"Merlin, I don't know, maybe explain why you're such a bloody idiot? Come on, James! Rack your brains for once! I know it won't take long."

"So I'm a bloody idiot now, am I? And all because I wanted you to be safe! You know bloody well what he'll do to you and your family if I stick around. All you've got to do is read the bloody newspaper!"

"Yes, because that'll stop him from harming me! It's not like I'm a bloody Mudblood or anything. No, according to you, I'm safe. Well, here's a newsflash for you, James, nobody's bloody safe anymore! Not you and especially not me, being what I am! Is that why you left me? Because I'm a Mudblood?"

"How can you even think that, Lily? How can you possibly think that I would ever leave you because of your blood status?" cries James, pulling at his hair in frustration.

"Well, what else am I supposed to think, James? All you said was that we weren't working out and that we needed a break. A bloody _break_," she hisses, her voice breaking at the end and she turns her back on him and he knows that she has succumbed to tears.

He walks over to her and grabs her by the shoulders, turning her around to look at him, hating himself for making her cry.

"I left for your own good!" he says, shaking her a bit, as if that will allow her to see sense. She pulls away from him, angrily brushing the tears away.

"Ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't give one damn about any of it? That all I care about is being with you and that everything and everyone else can just go to hell?"

"You don't understand, Lily! He'll hurt you!"

"I'm a Mudblood! He'll hurt me no matter what!"

"Will you stop calling yourself that blasted word?"

"But that's what I am, James! A Mudblood! I'm no safer now than I ever was when you were around."

"You don't get it, Lily," says James, letting out a frustrated sigh as he runs a hand through his hair.

"You're right. I don't get it," she says as she takes a step away from him, hugging herself. James feels his stomach drop at how vulnerable she looks. At that moment, he wants nothing more than to gather her in his arms and reassure her that everything will be alright. "Remus is still with Mary, despite him being a werewolf; Sirius is still with Marlene even though he has a Death Eater for a brother and isn't exactly on Voldemort's favourite list of people. And _you've_ left _me_. Is it because you don't love me?" she says in a small voice. Lily looks up at him, her once bright, green eyes now dull and sad.

James sighs as he takes a step towards Lily, reaching out a hand to cup her face. She lowers her eyes under his gaze, but he pulls her chin up gently, until they are at eyelevel.

"I love you, Lily. More than anything in this world. And—I'm sorry. For hurting you," he says, but he knows that it's not enough. Words cannot even begin to describe how sorry he is for hurting the woman he has promised to love for as long as he lives. "I _need_ you." And he does, he just hadn't realised it until now.

"How do I know that you're not going to hurt me again?"

"You don't. You'll just have to trust me when I say I won't."

Lily stares up at him and green meets hazel. James tries to reassure her, trying to show her how much she means to him as she searches his eyes desperately before throwing her arms around his waist, sobbing into his shirt. James places his arms tightly around her, trying to convey in that hug all that he feels for his wife.

"Oh, James, I've missed you," she says in between sobs as she curls the front of his shirt into a ball with her fists. "You're an arsehole, you know that?" Even though James can't see her, he knows she's smiling—the first true smile she has managed ever since he left.

He can't help but smile as he hugs her tighter to him. "You know, a lot of people have been telling me that lately."

"Never, _ever_ leave me again, James," she says softly, releasing the pressure on his shirt and resting her hand against his chest.

"I won't," James says as he pulls back, capturing her lips with his own, sealing his promise.

_And he doesn't. Not when Voldemort threatens them again a year later, causing them to go into hiding nor when he offers James a chance to live in exchange for his wife's and son's life. James sticks with Lily until the very end._

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**A/N:**_ The only thing I regret about this story is not adding a part where Peter is trampled to death by a herd of angry hippogriffs. Other than that, I think it was fairly decent. But my opinion hardly matters. So, please review? _


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